Chapter 1: A New Beginning

Recently, I penned an article titled "Hello, I’m Kristi." This marked a significant milestone in my journey of self-discovery. However, the term "rediscovery" doesn't quite capture it; I’m not aiming to return to a previous version of myself.

For far too long, I longed for a past that was never truly mine, chasing a ghostly figure of my younger self—a girl full of life, with a mischievous smile and an infectious laugh. In my dreams, I would pursue her, yearning for the carefree happiness she embodied, even though that happiness was merely an illusion. Beneath her enchanting facade lay a person grappling with sadness and fear, trying to compensate for the true self underneath.

The real me? A thoughtful, sensitive individual—chaotic, yes, but also introspective, kind, and driven to help others. I still haven’t figured out exactly how to channel that drive into action.

Now, I realize that I’m not seeking to uncover something lost; I’m older, wiser, and more than I once was. Perhaps the term that resonates with me is "rebirth."

Rebirth invokes the idea of a fresh canvas awaiting a new masterpiece. I see before me a bright, albeit slightly tattered, canvas ready to be filled with vibrant colors. My tools are fresh and new, just ordered from Amazon and opened right now.

As I prepare to paint my new life, I glance at the old canvas hanging on the wall, filled with memories of that wild girl I once was. I have documented those memories, and I’m done pursuing the phantom of my past.

Yet, embracing rebirth is not without its challenges.

I have started by playing with my identity.

Why?

I’ve been writing under the name KiKi Walter since around 2007. KiKi has represented the quirky, artistic part of me that I often felt was missing.

But throughout my treatment and recovery, I’ve started reconciling my dual identities, and an interesting shift occurred—I no longer wanted to hide behind KiKi.

Admittedly, transitioning back to Kristi has felt like a flickering light—unsettling yet empowering. After so long, reclaiming my voice feels significant.

In therapy, I crafted a personal mantra, one that my therapist encouraged me to recite regularly:

CONFIDENCE IN COMMUNICATION—by Kristi Walter

I remember that I am not as small as my inner critic suggests. I stand firm in my beliefs, am a capable communicator, and can assert myself when necessary. USE MY VOICE.

This mantra, while simple, serves as a powerful reminder for me, and I take pride in it. From now on, I will use Kristi’s voice to awaken from my slumber.

I have three weeks left in my treatment program, and I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve learned about myself. I intend to continue my journey through journaling, reading, and other creative outlets.

This newfound strength is a precious gift, and I plan to transform that spark into a blazing fire.

Hi, My Name Is Kristi.

I’m a Butterfly. And Butterflies Are Free to Fly.

Chapter 2: Treading Fire

In this chapter, I share my experiences with depression and the daily struggles that come with it.

This video, titled "Treading Fire: A Typical Day of My Life in Depression Hell," vividly illustrates the challenges I face daily. It encapsulates the emotional turmoil and the complexity of navigating life while dealing with depression.

Chapter 3: Flashback and Hope

Reflecting on my past, I confront the lies that depression tells about the future.

The video, "Flashback Friday: Depression Lies About the Future," dives into the misleading narratives that often accompany mental health struggles. It’s a powerful reminder that the past does not dictate the future.