Questioning Intentions

"Did they mean something else by that?" This question often lingers in both men’s and women’s minds, though the dynamics of communication can vary between genders. Society’s expectations and conditioning play a significant role in this complexity, particularly in romantic contexts. In my twenties, I found myself preoccupied with this question, though it has become less perplexing over time.

This pattern stems from childhood experiences with family and partners who seldom revealed their true feelings. Such situations led to misunderstandings and difficult conversations that remain etched in my memory. While I won’t delve into specific instances, I will illustrate a scenario that may resonate with many.

Scenario: The Rise and Fall of Connection

You begin conversing with someone new, and the chemistry feels electric. You talk incessantly, and it seems like you’ve finally found a connection. This initial excitement, often referred to as limerence, can lead to a rapid progression in your relationship, influenced by your attachment style.

However, it’s essential to remember that limerence is fleeting. Once you settle into a routine, the frequent messages may dwindle, leaving you to question whether your partner still has feelings for you or is taking you for granted. As comfort sets in, many might misinterpret this shift as a lack of effort from their partner.

This situation has occurred in my past partnerships and is unlikely to change. I often found myself spiraling into anxiety, wondering if I had said or done something wrong. For someone without mental health challenges, this level of stress might be manageable. However, I live with Borderline Personality Disorder, where sporadic communication feels like abandonment when the messages start to dwindle.

The Reality of Adult Communication

It’s crucial to recognize that your partner is not obligated to reply immediately. Life gets busy, and sometimes people may read your message but are not in the right mindset to respond. Personally, I tend to reply promptly, but I realize that this expectation is unrealistic. Some people prefer to take their time, reflecting on their feelings before crafting a response, or they may simply choose not to share their emotions at all. That is their responsibility, not yours.

As Wednesday Addams famously said, “It’s not my fault I can’t interpret your emotional Morse code.”

Creating Safe Spaces

If someone confides that they feel unsafe expressing their emotions, it’s essential to approach this with sensitivity. Such feelings may be valid, and you might need to work on being a trustworthy confidant. I have been emotionally reactive in the past, which has hindered open communication. However, if someone feels they cannot be genuine with you, their choice to stay in the relationship warrants reflection on their part.

You may already strive to provide space for others to express themselves, yet if they still choose to remain closed off, that’s not your burden to bear. Consider whether relationships where you feel like you’re pulling teeth to elicit communication are genuinely worth your time. Wouldn't you prefer relationships where individuals are open about their feelings, even if it risks causing discomfort?

Finding a Balance

It’s also worth pondering whether you’re comfortable compromising on communication styles. I aim to maintain an open mindset, willing to meet my partner halfway if they’re open to it. After all, relationships thrive on mutual understanding.

While much of this may seem straightforward to those interested in effective communication, many still lack the skills, often due to inadequate upbringing. In our tech-savvy age, there’s no excuse for continued ignorance in communication skills. Instead of speculating about what someone might be feeling, focus on your own life. If someone has an issue, they should feel empowered to voice it. Ask once if anything is bothering them, and if they say no, let it go. Those who genuinely care will eventually communicate their feelings, even if they need time.

Thank you for taking the time to engage with my reflections. I share my experiences in hopes that they resonate with others. Writing about what we know can often lead to profound insights, even if it feels trivial at times. For more of my work, feel free to visit my freelance page or reach out for commissioned services.