Chapter 1: Understanding a Child's Aggressive Behavior

As children mature, parents often face challenging and aggressive behaviors that can be difficult to comprehend. Katya, a divorced mother of a 6-year-old son named Kirill, recently sought guidance on this very issue.

Lately, Kirill has been acting out, throwing tantrums, and shouting hurtful phrases like, “You’re bad, I don’t love you, go away!” He expresses a desire to live with his father and frequently asks, “When will I go to dad?” The situation escalates when Katya responds with anger or when she becomes visibly upset, prompting Kirill to calm down.

These hurtful words deeply affect Katya, who is doing her utmost to raise her son. She struggles with the challenges of parenting alone, especially since Kirill's father is often away on business trips and rarely has the opportunity to see his son.

I encourage Katya to reflect on her emotions when she witnesses such behavior from Kirill. She shares feelings of helplessness, sadness, resentment, and exhaustion, admitting, “I feel miserable, weak, and powerless.”

I ask her if these feelings are familiar, prompting her to recall her own childhood. Katya remembers her father leaving when she was young, with her mother often speaking negatively about him. This left a lasting impact, making it painful for Katya to hear such words.

She reminisces about a time she met her dad, which caused her mother distress. To avoid upsetting her mother further, Katya decided not to see her father again. Now, she understands the importance of facilitating her son’s relationship with his dad. However, these rare visits leave Kirill feeling lonely and frustrated, which he then expresses towards Katya. Overwhelmed, she struggles to manage her son’s emotions, as her own unresolved feelings resurface.

Imagine being that young Katya, feeling torn between her parents. She longs for a harmonious relationship where both her mother and father coexist peacefully, and she can enjoy time with them. She wishes for her mother to stop disparaging her father and desires the opportunity to bond with him.

Little Katya experiences profound sadness, feeling divided by her parents' discord. Inside, she grapples with resentment, confusion, anger, and guilt, believing she may be at fault for her family’s issues. She suppresses these emotions, striving to be the perfect child and prevent her mother from feeling sorrow.

Interestingly, Kirill mirrors the suppressed feelings of his mother, acting out in ways that little Katya once wished she could express.

I suggest allowing six-year-old Katya to voice her emotions openly. She begins to cry and shout, conveying her need for attention and support from both parents. “I’m small, I’m hurting! I need you both!” she seems to cry out.

Once young Katya has expressed herself, I encourage her to hear affirming words:

• “You are good. You are not to blame for what happens between your parents. You deserve to enjoy your childhood, play, read, and explore. I, as grown-up Katya, will take care of you. After all, you are a part of me.”

After this emotional release, Katya observes a positive change in Kirill’s behavior; he is less prone to outbursts and more composed. Katya also finds herself feeling more equipped to calm and communicate with her son.

Often, our own childhood traumas resurface when we become parents. It is crucial to recognize and address these feelings to avoid projecting them onto our children.