Chapter 1: Discovering Gender Differences

At the age of 12, a realization struck me: girls and boys have distinct ways of dressing. I gazed into the mirror, noting my plain ponytail neatly keeping my hair in place, and glanced down at my attire—just a nondescript sweater chosen by my mom. As I surveyed my pants, I couldn't help but wonder if they were even in style. The other girls sported trendy bell-bottoms, a fashion from the early 2000s.

Suddenly, it dawned on me: "I don't dress like other girls," and I was taken aback. This revelation felt foreign. How had I overlooked such a simple yet significant difference? The truth is, I am neurodivergent. Diagnosed with ADHD, I have come to recognize traits of autism within myself, even without an official diagnosis.

Neurodivergence encompasses a variety of neurodevelopmental conditions, including ADHD, autism, and OCD, and refers to atypical brain functioning. My focus here is on my experiences with ADHD and possible autism, both of which complicate my understanding of social norms. I tend to pay attention only to topics I find engaging, and gender roles are not one of them.

Living in society inevitably exposes neurodivergent individuals to arbitrary rules that often seem illogical. The link between neurodivergence and gender is intriguing. As someone who is neurodivergent, I struggle to recognize and adhere to social norms. To effectively navigate social situations, I must first identify the norm, understand its purpose, and then decide if I want to comply with it.

At 12, I hadn’t even begun to comprehend the social norms surrounding gender. I was aware that girls sometimes wore dresses but hadn’t made the connection that as a girl, I should dress differently from boys. My clothing choices had largely been dictated by my mother.

For instance, I vividly recall wearing an extravagant princess dress on my first day of school, believing it to be beautiful, only to learn that my peers thought I was overdressed. One classmate even asked if I was headed to a wedding afterward. Even as a child, I struggled to grasp which clothes were appropriate and what they communicated to others.

Following my revelation about gender, I embarked on a shopping spree. I purchased bell-bottom jeans, let my hair down, and for the first time, saw a girl looking back at me in the mirror. When I returned to school, my friends were astonished, questioning the reason behind my transformation. "Transformation? I merely let my hair down and bought new pants. Isn’t this what everyone wears?" I still hadn’t fully understood the social implications of my change, but positive feedback encouraged me to continue this new appearance.

Thus began my attempt to embrace femininity, mimicking the styles of my peers. However, I became increasingly aware that I was performing a role. To me, gender performance felt like an elaborate act, reminiscent of a carnival. I found myself counting buttons on shirts, comparing them with other girls, as I analyzed gender norms like a scientist.

Unbeknownst to me, this meticulous attention to detail and rule-based thinking stemmed from my neurodivergent brain trying to navigate social conventions that felt arbitrary. Why do girls have long hair? For no particular reason. Why do boys wear sporty clothing? No real explanation. Why must I wear a bra if my breasts aren't "falling"? There's no justification for it. It's all socially constructed.

Despite this, I chose to engage with these conventions, as people seemed to appreciate it when I adhered to these arbitrary standards. Over time, however, I found that some of these performances began to irritate me, particularly when I started dating men.

Heterosexual relationships tend to amplify gender expectations. Now, it wasn’t just my female friends complimenting my appearance; men were expressing their approval as well, further compelling me to conform to these ideals.

To clarify, my gender performance was far from flawless. I would occasionally slip up, revealing glimpses of my genderless self. Comments like, "Oh, so you don’t shave there?" or "You sit like a man—how funny!" made me aware of social rules that had previously eluded my neurodivergent understanding.

As these remarks accumulated, I reached a breaking point: "Enough is enough! I refuse to shave my entire body and will cross my legs in whatever way feels comfortable." This decision coincided with my growing awareness of the more serious downsides of my female identity, such as facing sexual harassment and not being taken seriously in professional environments.

In a paradoxical twist, every gender identity is a performance, even one that denotes a lack of gender. Everything we do to express ourselves in society is, in essence, a performance. Even if I present as non-binary, I am still engaging in a socially constructed identity.

Some may argue that non-binary identities reside within the male/female dichotomy, often signaling an "in-between" status through appearance and behavior. Yet, I feel my neurodivergent self does not fit this framework at all. A new, neurodivergent universe needs to be created for individuals like me.

Simply living in a society presents arbitrary rules that can be bewildering for many neurodivergent individuals. There is no label that accurately captures my profound confusion regarding what any gender identity signifies.

The paradox I face is the need to perform societal roles while striving to be true to myself. In my late 20s and early 30s, this struggle has led me to diverge from social norms—just enough to navigate acceptance while also signaling a degree of gender non-conformity.

Ultimately, I am returning to my authentic self, one that is indifferent to superficial societal standards of fashion or beauty. My worth is not contingent on my attire or how I present myself.

I wholeheartedly respect those for whom gender holds significance, and if it resonates with your identity, that is a beautiful thing. Embrace who you are!

Thank you for journeying with me to the end of this narrative. As a treat, here are a few comics I created reflecting my experiences, as art and comics are currently my special interests.

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