Misinterpretation

I often find myself misreading the intentions behind others’ gestures of friendship. For instance, I have generally found it easier to connect with males since childhood, viewing these relationships as straightforward. However, I’ve learned the hard way that many of these friendships dissolve once romantic feelings are introduced, leaving behind unrequited emotions that are difficult to mend.

Projection

A recurring theme in my friendships is projection, which has led me to distance myself at times. It’s disconcerting when someone accuses me of actions or behaviors that are far from my true self. With careful reflection, I can recognize that their unresolved issues often surface inappropriately, distorting our connection.

Experience has taught me that attempting to change someone’s perception of me is usually futile, even when I possess evidence to the contrary.

Familiarity

There seems to be such a thing as being too familiar. When people know every detail about you, the excitement can wane, leading them to seek out newer, more thrilling connections. I enjoy the comfort of a strong bond, where silence is not awkward but welcomed. Unfortunately, this comfort doesn't seem to be as valued by others.

Oversharing

I have a penchant for discussing topics in depth, which has often led to awkward moments. While I find joy in meaningful conversations, many prefer to keep things light and superficial. I crave discussions about life’s big questions and personal experiences, yet I have come to understand that this tendency to overshare is not always well-received.

Gaps in Communication

I prefer texting or meeting face-to-face over phone calls. This preference sometimes results in long stretches without contact, which some friends cannot tolerate. My closest friends are those who can pick up right where we left off, regardless of the time apart. I find solace in these relationships, but I also have a tendency to withdraw when life becomes overwhelming.

Fickleness

Many of my female friendships have ended painfully due to harsh realities. I’ve often been blindsided by betrayal, discovering that people I considered friends spoke ill of me behind my back. The belief that women should support one another has proven misguided, as I have encountered manipulative individuals who wear friendly façades.

Despite these experiences, I maintain that kindness should always prevail.

Apology

Despite the lessons I’ve learned about friendships—both positive and negative—I still feel remorse for my role in their decline.

I apologize to past friends for any hurt I may have caused.

I apologize to my current friends for my wavering faith in lasting friendships.

I apologize to future friends for my hesitance to let my guard down.

I apologize to potential female friendships that I avoid out of fear.

I apologize to male friends for the distance I keep to avoid misinterpretation.

2024 Update

It’s intriguing that this piece remained unfinished since 2021. I recall feeling hesitant about exposing such vulnerability. Friendships have been a source of immense challenge in my life, often leading to tears and self-blame for circumstances beyond my control.

As of April 2024, I find myself on the brink of a significant shift in self-awareness. I am diving deeper into understanding neurodiversity in women and will be sharing more on this topic soon.

The journey of healing is just beginning as I confront my differences and recognize how they have contributed to my feelings of isolation. I’m learning to be kinder to myself regarding the relationships I’ve lost. While I still miss old friends and reflect on what went wrong, I am beginning to differentiate between neurodiverse and neurotypical perspectives, realizing how they may clash.

This is a monumental revelation for me. I am not broken; I simply need to find my community.

In moments of reflection, I turn to the Ho'oponono Prayer to guide my thoughts of loss:

I Am Sorry

Please Forgive Me

Thank You

I Love You

Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts. It's a privilege to share my reflections with you.