Chapter 1: Understanding the Importance of Respect

Respect stands as a foundational pillar in any relationship, while a lack of it can severely undermine connections.

"How does it feel when your feelings are dismissed like that?" I imagined a massive truck crushing me beneath its wheels.

"I feel voiceless, as if I expressed something but was met with indifference," I confided in my therapist.

"And how does that make you feel?" she prompted.

"It fills me with anger and a sense of helplessness. I want to confront that person and shout, 'Hey! Pay attention to me!'"

In romantic partnerships, respect is crucial, yet I often witness instances of disregard, whether in love or friendship. Frequently, those who disrespect are not acting out of malice; they may simply be self-absorbed and oblivious to the impact of their behavior. Occasionally, they become so focused on their own desires that they overlook the needs of others. As highlighted by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend, a respectful individual listens and seeks compromise when faced with a "no," whereas someone lacking respect attempts to convert that "no" into a "yes." I recognize that I've been guilty of this behavior in the past. Experiencing disrespect can leave one feeling dominated, overlooked, and hurt by someone who disregards their feelings. Having played both roles, I committed to changing my detrimental behaviors and advocating for myself when I felt disrespected.

I began this journey with self-reflection, understanding that my ability to respect myself greatly influences my capacity to respect others. By fostering a healthy relationship with myself, I establish boundaries that safeguard my time and energy. I strive to treat myself with kindness, responding to my body's signals of fatigue, hunger, or anger. I prioritize nutritious eating because I genuinely feel better when I do, independent of societal pressures. By attuning to my instincts regarding what benefits or harms me, I create an environment filled with supportive individuals. When I practice self-respect, I experience a sense of calm, security, and composure, enabling me to extend respect and trust to those around me.

"You earn respect by respecting yourself. When you value yourself, you teach others to do the same." — Angie Graves

I was aware of my past disrespectful tendencies in relationships. On an unconscious level, I recognized that my actions were undermining my romantic connections and fueling my fear of abandonment. Unfortunately, I lacked the tools to change this pattern, as my insecurities clouded my ability to address it. I would encroach on others' time, feeling upset when they chose not to spend it with me, often withdrawing or subtly infringing upon their freedom out of fear. In other instances, I was too hasty, glossing over issues that needed addressing. My fear of causing discomfort prevented me from initiating difficult but necessary conversations.

Fortunately, the reverse holds true. Engaging in respectful behaviors and avoiding gestures of disrespect fosters a sense of security within me. I know I am valuing the other person and enhancing their self-esteem, as well as my own. By ensuring that boundaries are honored, I find it easier to trust, as I feel more secure in the relationship. Neither party leaves the other feeling neglected. It has taken time, but I believe I have finally embraced the concept of respect and developed healthier habits.

"Respectful individuals do not lose respect over time; they cultivate it. As relationships deepen, so does the understanding and appreciation for one another. They may become more relaxed, yet they continue to honor each other's feelings. This is an inherent character trait that remains steady regardless of circumstances." — Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend, Boundaries

Growing up, I lacked an example of a respectful relationship. My parents frequently disrespected one another in both overt and subtle ways. I internalized many of their negative habits, such as interrupting each other and disregarding one another’s decisions and boundaries. Throughout my life, I encountered numerous instances of disrespect at work, among friends, and in observing others' romantic partnerships. There were dates where I received sarcastic remarks dismissing my preferences, friends confiding in me about their partners' lies, and couples who constantly mocked each other, fostering a toxic atmosphere.

Disrespect manifests in various forms. I have experienced it through criticism, teasing that veers into mockery, and being sidelined. I've felt "run over" by someone else's demands during disagreements due to their inability to reach a compromise.

There have been moments when others blatantly disregarded my boundaries after I had explicitly said "no." Even after expressing how their actions affected me, they continued to act in hurtful ways. Friends sometimes struggle to understand why this is a significant issue for me. Having grown up with controlling parents, the feeling of being "run over" is particularly triggering for me; it truly matters.

I occasionally fall into the unproductive habit of criticizing both myself and others internally. During one exercise, I noted every instance of negative self-talk over two days, and I recorded seven occurrences! These critical thoughts typically revolved around intimacy, romantic relationships, and doubts about my own worthiness.

Moreover, I noticed a pattern where critical thoughts led to disrespectful behaviors towards the individuals I was thinking about. For instance, if I felt my date wasn't prioritizing me, I would reciprocate by ignoring them. This cycle of distancing behavior only widened the gap between us.

Respecting a partner's privacy and independence is another essential aspect of showing respect. I regret to admit that I've snooped through my ex-boyfriends' messages in the past, driven by insecurity stemming from an anxious attachment style. This lack of trust, despite knowing they were dependable, pushed me to violate their privacy. With one ex-boyfriend who heightened my insecurities, I felt the need to monitor everyone he interacted with, a clear sign that we were incompatible. While I was wrong to disregard boundaries, his behavior triggered my feelings of unsafety, prompting my invasive actions.

An extension of respecting a partner's independence is the ability to accept them as they are, without attempting to change their behavior. My parents often commented on my habits, which were not always constructive. I unknowingly carried this negative behavior into my romantic relationships, leading to unpleasant reactions. I likely made my partners feel unappreciated or embarrassed when I commented on their behavior.

Sometimes, I would receive similar comments about my own behavior, which left me feeling self-conscious and inadequate. Reflecting on those moments, I realize that many of those comments were unnecessary. In the grand scheme of things, trivial matters, such as my date’s clothing choices, were not worth stressing over. Respecting someone means appreciating them as I learn more about them, rather than judging or pressuring them to change.

This pattern also applied to my partners' time. In the past, I struggled to let my partners pursue their dreams independently. I felt compelled to know their every move and grew upset when they took too long to respond to my messages. While expecting timely communication is reasonable, I often jumped to conclusions prematurely.

The relationship was rarely at risk as I assumed. I simply overreacted far too often. I've learned to be more secure and provide my partners with the space they need. By engaging in fulfilling activities, I felt less reliant on having someone constantly present.

To enhance my understanding of respect, I began observing couples who exemplify healthy relationships. Small details, such as their communication styles and supportive gestures, reveal much about their bond. These nuances significantly impact the quality of their connection. Respectful partners actively listen and value each other's perspectives. In disagreements, they acknowledge differing opinions. They honor one another's emotions and boundaries. When respect flourishes in a relationship, both individuals feel free to be their authentic selves, fostering honesty and a sense of safety.

But what about those in my life who continue to show me disrespect? These individuals include family members and some friends. I choose to uphold my self-respect and establish clear boundaries with them. Sometimes, they respond defensively, change the subject, or ignore my words altogether, continuing to disregard my feelings. I've recognized these behaviors and remain firm in my boundaries. Most people eventually comprehend the message and adjust accordingly. In other cases, I must take a stand. Above all, I remind myself that the reward of mutual respect motivates me to engage in tough, sometimes awkward conversations. I believe it is worth the effort.

"If you asked my husband and me what we believe is the key to our relationship, we would say it’s vulnerability, love, humor, respect, shame-free fighting, and blame-free living." — Brené Brown, Daring Greatly

Chapter 2: The Journey Towards Respectful Interactions

In the first video, Mel Robbins discusses the nine signs indicating that your partner may not respect you. Recognizing these signs is crucial for understanding relationship dynamics and ensuring mutual respect.

The second video offers eight practical tips on how to show respect in relationships, emphasizing the importance of fostering a respectful environment for both partners.